CHAPTER ONE

Shas'Ui Voi'nan let out a small snore, the sound of his slumber muffled by the presence of his helmet. All around him, the small squad of five shas'la stood at various levels of attention, some of the fresh 'la like boards standing wide awake while another more seasoned soldier slumped uncomfortably against a pillar, sliding in and out of his daze. On any other world, had an officer walked by, catastrophe might have struck, but here on Medun V, a backwater colony with no actual colonists yet, no one was present to point out such indiscretions. So the Shas'Ui kept on dreaming, the shas'la kept their watch and no one knew the difference.

His dreams took him to a familiar place, an open field back on Vior'la, gusts of wind carrying the fresh scent of wild grass across his nose. Gleaming rays of sun swept over rolling hills, casting darting shadows across the land. Voi'nan couldn't shield the smile spreading across his face, the great joys of childhood coming back to him. Before he was even a 'saal, before the reality of war was realized, here he had been happy. A mother's voice called to him from behind, causing him to turn quickly around.

The sight that greeted him was not one of joy, but sorrow. Flames spread rapidly across the golden field, civilians running with their few possessions clutched fearfully in their arms as screams tore through the night. He was no longer a child, instead now clad in his bulky plate armour, pulse rifle firmly in his hands. Before he registered the thought, he was firing blindly into the raging flame beside a thousand more firewarriors, sending a blue wave into the illuminated darkness.

What came out of the fire was human but not quite. Dwarfing even the most stout shas, clad in bulky armour and carrying a rifle the size of his torso, pulse rounds bounced off it's armour like pebbles against steel, a dull laugh eminating from the iron juggernaut. It cut down shas by the score, but soon it was not alone. Dozens more streamed out of the fire, amidst even taller constructs made of pure hate and steel. Soon Voi'nan was no longer flanked by his comrades, a lone survivor of ten thousand cadres. The first monster was in his face, hand clenched around his neck as tears streamed down his face. Never had he felt fear so real, so palpable it was as if he could feel it squirming inside him, tightening around his heart. He could hear it's breath now, raspy and full of hate. It spoke something to him but he couldn't hear it, his ears ringing with pain and gunfire. It's knife now unsheathed and raise to strike, Voi'nan turned away in fear once more...

"Voi'nan! Voi'nan! Wake up, Shas'Ui!"

He snapped out of his slumber, still shaking from his dream, sweat streaming from every pore. "What is it, shas'la? What's going on?"

"Our scanners back at base have picked up something moving about a click out. They need us to check it out. Probably just another Yudou beast, ya know", the shas'la replied.

Voi'nan helped himself up, grabbed his rifle and motioned to his team. Yudou beast or not, it never payed off to be sloppy in the field...

--------Creative juices flowing, comments and critiques greatly greatly appreciated.--------------

Chapter Two

Voi'nan crept through the dense undergrowth like a shadow, the canopy above reaching into the sky hundreds of feet above. Streams of light broke through small gaps in the trees, casting shimmering shapes creeping among the thick undergrowth. Voi'nan and his team, being one of the few firewarrior teams posted on the planet, they had been forced to serve the role pathfinders often filled multiple times. His squad had surprisingly picked up on the skills quickly, but at the unfortunate consequence of being repeatedly requisitioned for such a task. This was the third time in a single cycle, and even though the past several times had simple indigenous creatures, Voi'nan ensured they proceeded with utmost caution. Some of the larger beasts were peaceful, but when spooked they could cause serious injury to his warriors.

"Team, prep your rounds for sedatives and stun. No sense killing another Yudou beast and then having to explain to the kroot we weren't hunting on their land..."

Something stirred ahead, something hidden but not natural to the forest. Voi'nan turned to his comm expert and motioned quickly to check the motion scanner again. The shas poked it a few times and after a bit of a beating, a quiet beep echoed within their comm chanel. Voi'nan and his team turned to each other and made visual contact, nervous chatter flowing through their private line. Whatever it was up there, it was not supposed to be there, it was stealthy enough to fool a motion tracker and, more importantly, it was big. Voi'nan made a small nod and the quick snap of rifles switching from safe to hot clicked in the quiet.

They didn't have a chance to make another move. Whatever had been hiding heard their safeties switching off and burst from the foliage, throwing hot slugs toward the team. Fortunately they had good cover, and in the shadows their adversary had nothing but that single noise to guess their location. Voi'nan waited for the incoming fire to slow, nodded to the shas beside him and yelled "Take him!", over their comm links. As one the team burst from cover, pulse rounds ripping into the armoured beast. The rounds made good impact but failed to pierce the thick armour, knocking it from its firm stance. Voi'nan packed another clip into his rifle and turned back into the fight, only to see something that brought fear and surprise. Laying there on the ground, unconscious, was a gue'la Space Marine. This wasn't what he had seen before though. The last time he had seen a Space Marine they had been glorious, invincible and ruthless, clad in brilliant blue armour and waving banners that exalted the deaths of their enemies. This was beaten, his armour tarnished and faded, helmet missing and gaping holes present where armor plates should have been. More than that, it looked tired...

The gue'la was muttering something in his exhaustion, and Voi'nan could only make out a few words, "Damn xenos...". Voi'nan's only reply was to his squad.

"Shas, call for backup. Tell them we need a devilfish and some heavy restraints. Tell them we needed it five minutes ago..."


=======Is anybody reading this??========

Keep 'em coming! Don't get discouraged; frequently a good topic just won't be responded to. Fiction seems to have that problem especially...

Very interesting premise (the space marine) and I really liked the part about 'ten thousand cadres.' Good writing too; there were a couple spots where you used the same word twice in rapid succession [see below], but other than that - no problems.

A good alternative to "dozen" is "score." Very Samurai.

Thanks for the comment! I usually try to proofread my writing a couple times to find redundant words but sometimes they do allude me, lol!

The story, hopefully, will take an interesting turn that hasn't really been done before. I like to use a lot of allegory and I think things like dreams can help draw out a lot of personal character that can't be told through direct storylines.

Anyways, hopefully your post will help some more people comment too lol. I find that critiques are the most useful tool for improving writing...

Glad to be of service.
It's definitely harder to define a character through pure action, i.e. not thoughts, dreams, flashbacks...
I find that reading other's fiction, especially if it relates to what I'm writing, to be a big help.

Don't worry Nan!

While I can't be of any help with the grammar, I'm more interested by the characters, the story and the place.

As long as a story makes me feel the doubts and hopes of the character, as places are described by such a way as I can almost roam them, as every new developments leaves me out of breath, I shall remain a diligent reader!

I might as well say to you that your introduction possesses those qualities.

I shall not extend in comments knowing that the reading of English does not put me concern, it is rather the writing which takes time to me.

(Although I made more efforts at the moment on the quantity of comments which I can leave on ATT)

Feel free to continue!

Well, I just tallied everything on Caveat Imperator, and for the 13,327 words I've written on that document, I got 22 comments (most of them from Wolf, that dude is everywhere!) You've written a little over 1000 words, and you've now gotten 4 comments.

So I get a comment for every 605.77 words. You're clocking in at one comment for every 266.50 words - more than twice the response per word! - so I'd say you're doing pretty well! Jester's right that fiction has a very difficult time getting comments - I think that a lot of people don't even know where to start on critiquing. Luckily, some of us have the hubris to think we can help! Myself included

I just finished reading both chapters, and things are looking pretty good. The transition into the dream could be smoother, perhaps? I thought at first that the Shas'ui was dreaming of better disciplined 'La, not daydreaming or slipping into a reverie. Maybe something like:The other thing that jumped out at me was this: Technically speaking, unless all the enemies died at the same time, the banners would exalt their deaths, rather than their death. It's a silly grammatical point from a stickler, but it makes it read soooo much better in my head.
Oh, and although with effort one can tell that it's meant to be the Shas'Ui, it's unclear who the bolded "His" refers to in the following quotation because of the preceding sentence's use of "his" to refer to the space marine:

Finally, I wanted to point out that the (chapter one) sentence quoted below is golden. I'm not so sure of your use of corporeal, here - palpable or tangible might be more accurate? - but it sure conveys the depth of emotion beautifully:

Keep up the good work J'Kaara, I'll be reading - even if I'm quiet.

Shas'O J'Kaara Nan :
Just to echo Didi et Gogo's and other's comments, don't get discouraged (my own rate for No Exit was a response roughly every 815 words, so you're almost triple that!) with what could be a lack of comments. It is difficult to get responses on fiction just because it takes more effort from the subsequent posters, plus it's also slightly harder to pin down attributes that make a piece good or not. When you look at the hobby threads, you can see immediately if a model is painted well or not; in order to do the same with fiction, you have the read the entirety of it which takes much more time.

I've only read the first section (Real Life^TM FTL...), but it's off to a good start! Sorry I can't say much more now, since I'm in the middle of a few projects right now...

Keep writing!

Thanks for the kind words and critiques. I've taken it upon myself to take your suggestions, Didi. I've read quite a bit of your fiction and consider a lot of it quite inspirational. I've always loved the english language and love to write, it's just often hard to find inspiration to actually write a continuing storyline.

Chapter Three:Hatred

The devilfish compartment was never comfortable to begin with, but Voi'nan liked it even less with the eight foot tall armoured monster laying on the floor. It was bound with dozens of plasma cuffs and pinned to the floor by six drones equipped with what looked like giant cattle prods. He could only guess how far they were from base and hope the angry beast didn't wake before they got back.

"For the love of Tau'va, Voi'nan, how did we get stuck with running into a dikut'la, subduing him and then hauling him back to base", his most seasoned solider, shas'la Kiv'ek said. "And more importantly, why the hell was he here?"

Voi'nan looked at the gue'la for a moment before answering. "How should I know, Kiv? And for your information, those are all questions I'd rather ask once he's disarmed and strapped down a little better."

The radio popped on and the devilfish's pilot spoke in a dry tone, "Back at base in two, Shas'Ui. Dust storm is blowin in off the plains to the north so we're kicking the speed up a little bit. Might want to hold on."

A few minutes later the devilfish slowed, the hatch popped and Voi'nan and his team dismounted in a rather undignified manner. Two modified XV-8-222 Fio cargo loaders walked to the devilfish and began dragging the gue'la out of the 'fish. Shas'vre Mont'sao, the commander of the planets shas gave him a respectable nod and then motioned towards the briefing quarters. His team filed behind him, weapons at low ready.

Voi'nan didn't know why, but he felt the sudden urge to look back once more, almost a compulsive fear. He made a quick look to his rear, and to his surprise, found himself staring into the eyes of the gue'la. They weren't eyes of sorrow or weariness nor eyes of shame. They were red, as dark as blood and filled with aggression. Voi'nan didn't feel fear as he looked into those eyes. In fact, he didn't feel anything. For a single moment, he was nothing inside. Then one of the Fio grabbed the gue'la roughly by the arm, turning him in another direction. Voi'nan regained himself in that moment, and it was only then that he felt the tears streaming down his covered face, his shaking hands and his beating heart.


=====I'm not so sure about this chapter. After reading it it just kinda screams "filler"!!!!=======

Chapter Four: Interrogation

Aun'ui Aus'va'mere stared through the mirrored glass with more worry than he had felt in ages. Most would assume that any creature, stripped of its armour and clothes and confined to a cold prison cell would look more frightened. Instead, this gue'la looked even more potent, the unbridled rage it contained barely concealed by it's own flesh. Aus'va'mere felt as if at any moment the gue'la's own anger and lethality might simply bypass the barrier separating them and kill him without even moving. Terrifying, to say the least. In truth, he had never actually seen a gue'la, let alone a Space Marine, his days instead filled with the monotonous duties of a low ranking Aun on T'au. He was built to file papers, speak to crowds and inspect new cadre barracks, not face down some horrendous super-human capable of ripping him in two with his teeth. There was no aternative however; he had indeed requested this assignment, intent on overseeing the settlement of some new world and furthuring his career. Perhaps this would be the way to do it, but for all his intelligence he could not come up with some way to turn this incedent into anything more positive than the capture of another alien enemy. Maybe the Por could get something useful out of him.

"Shas'la, tell the ambassador I'm ready for him"

Less than a minute passed before the cell door opened, and a fluid figure glided into the room like it was empty, barely taking note of the captive. The Por, Por'vre Aug'mesh'veren, took his seat and rather unglamorously kicked his feet up onto the table.

"So, human, what brings you to our little world, hmm?"

No reply.

The Por leaned forward, this time barely a foot from being face to face with the human. "Listen, I can't help you if you don't answer a few basic questions, now can I? You think we have interest in more conflict with your kind? I know how loyal your Chapters are to each other. Eventually someone is going to come looking for you, and I'd rather that not happen. War is not what this planet needs, and it certainly is not something it can handle. We've cooperated with your Empire before, and I hope it's something we can do again. Look, tell us why you're here. Are there any others? Perhaps if there are other stranded marines we can provide you some transport to return to your brothers. Isn't that what you want? To serve your emperor once more?"

Still no reply.

This time the Por leaned back, trying to put on a look both imposing and wise. "Why make this more difficult than it is? A famous poet once said, in your own Libraria Imperialis Voecian, '...seek not the narrow path of hardship, but the wide one, for even if you stray far, how easy it is to find the path once more. Stray from the narrow, and your path shall be lost with the simplest whim or the most momentary distraction.' Your silence damns you, human, but a few words shall set you free." With this he stared deeply into the captives eyes, expecting some sort of breakdown or perhaps even a breakthrough.

The Marine looked up this time, a scowl spreading across his maw. "You seek to entrap me xenos, but you take me for a fool. Does not the beginning of that passage read 'Yet the fool and sinner replies'? I know of your kind, merchant. You swindle peasants and seduce rulers with your swift tongue and sweet words. This time the soldier looked not proud but assured, as if the Por was nothing but a bug beneath his feet, this captivity nothing but a single moment of weakness and a chance at absolution.

"But I am born of the God-Emperor, my path is both knowledge and ignorance, a closed mind to your words. Betrayal is a foul thing, and no sooner would I betray myself than I would betray my Emperor. You will speak of him with as much respect as you can muster, alien, and you shall quote the saints correctly."

Aug'mesh'veren had always had a reputation for drowning his victims in questions and then overstating his point. The Aun shook his head, hoping they hadn't lost the poor beast to the Por's tact.

This time it was Aug'mesh'veren who looked angry, not the human. He stood up and turned to leave, giving his opponent one last defiant threat and a rather inappropriate gesture...

"You hate us, I know that. To you, we are aliens, impure and full of corruption, evil and deception. You think yourself so holy because you are human? So full of righteousness because of your genetics? If you will not cooperate, we can not help you. I can only hope that while we have you here, your education can begin and your ignorance waived." The door slammed behind him, rattling the hinges and leaving the marine looking both smug and slightly confused.

Proceeding into the Aun's observation room, the Por held up a hand before the angered Tau could speak.

"Aun, there is no good alternative here. For now, he is our captive, our prisoner. What we have is a seed, however. This man should not rot in a prison until we decide what to do."

"What shall we do, then, Por? You've made it so he won't talk. What is this plan of yours, because I'm quite sure you have one", the Aun replied.

"It's quite simple, your reverance. We open his eyes. We make him see."

Good update! However, I had one nagging issue.

The scene where the Por is interviewing the Marine has some good dialog, but that's it. There are not enough descriptions on what the characters or doing as they are talking. No facial expressions are being described that help to add emotion to the scene. And very little description of the characters is given that it is hard to envision.

I think adding those details would really help. Oh and just an FYI, Tau don't dream. In 40k world, that is a connection to the warp, which the Tau barely have. Some Tau do dream, but it is minor and VERY rare. Just thought you should know!

Very well done story man. I just hope you can finish this one! You have like 6 other stories that are partially started and never finished, so the pressure is on!

Haha I know. I usually get a good idea, write it out, get little feedback and then lose interest.

Good idea about the interaction, I will go back in there and add a few details to spice it up.

As for the dreaming thing, is that official Tau canon or something relative to those with a connection to the warp? Perhaps because they have such a little connection, they experience their own form of dreaming(like ours). OR perhaps because of their small but bright connection, they rarely experience dreams but when they do they are full of emotion or premonition? If anything I'll just give it up to "waveyourhandium" and hope it's not too big of a deal.

...Or maybe its foreshadowing of a psyker Tau!!! No just kidding I don't do psyker Tau.

Anyways wish me luck on finishing this one. I keep looking at the story arc and it gets longer and longer. Sheesh...

That was actually quite good. You do impressive dialogue. I would agree with Wolfs16 - the part about him kicking his feet up at the beginning gave me kind of a let-down when there where no similar parts later. But still, this is a really intriguing plot!

Went back and added in some more interaction/actions instead of just straight dialogue. Next chapter should be finished tomorrow.

Shas'O J'Kaara Nan :
Just read through the entirety to refresh myself and keep the story as complete as possible. I usually do that with most stories, just because leaving and coming back always takes a little refresher in my mind as to the location, situation, and characters involved, plus I then get the "more polished" version of the story!

This last update was pretty good. I really liked the descriptions of the characters during the interrogation (good thing I waited to read it, eh?), since both the Space Marine and the Por talked and acted the way I envision they would in such a situation. While it sounds like the Por has his own plan for the remainder of the talks and trying to extract information from the Marine, I felt that his exit was a little less refined and calm than it should have been (should being in my view of the Por). I think it was describing his look as angry... Maybe describe how his tau'cyr of training and experience (he is a 'Vre, after all) allowed him to calm and disguise the angry that was slowly building below the surface. Something like that.

While we're discussing editing, just a few errors (picked out and corrected in red):

• ...bypass the barrier separating them and...
• There was no alternative, however; he had...
• ...have interest in more conflict with... (this is a technicality to get around double-italicization, although the underlining can stay if you wish)
• Look, tell us why you're here.
• momentary distraction.'
• "But I am born of the...

You might also want to consider changing "alien" to "xenos" in the Marine's address of the Por, and maybe throw a question mark after "So full of righteousness because of your genetics." Sorry if a few of those errors were a little pedantic, but hey, I'm used to doing it.

I went back and changed the things you pointed out. I always welcome critiques because I feel it helps improve my writing skills.

As for the update, I'm glad you liked it. I tried to portray the Space Marine as a very, very stigmatic character not willing to make any compromises. As for the Por, however, the overall plan is to portray him as a bit of a loose cannon. He's achieved his rank through a series of rather brutal actions and his aggressive nature. He's able to speak and act as "diplomatic" as any Por and his way with words is impressive, but he is quick to resort to anger, insults and a more "hands-on" approach.

That's why he quickly transitions from being smug and persuasive to outright rude when the marine insults him and catches him at his own game. It's not so much as the fact the human caught him but that he was outsmarted and outplayed. As for plans, yes, he has a quite elaborate plan for the marine. Let's just say that an important thing to know about the Por is that his plans are always multi-faceted, and he knows the Aun wishes to make a name for himself, which is something he's going to try to use to his advantage. In his world, everyone is simply a pawn to be moved around.

Chapter Five: Lessons

"Let me make this perfectly clear, human. You have refused to comply, and without your cooperation, I have no choice, no alternative. You've made this what it is, and it is up to you entirely what it is in the coming days."

Aun'ui Aus'va'mere didn't look at the space marine as he spoke, choosing to instead keep his eyes fixated upon the plains of T'au, the glass viewport of the massive Lar'shi cruiser gliding rather nimbly within the planets atmosphere. Aus'va'mere had spent most of his life here, working alongside his brothers in the monotonous drone of office work. It had been boring yet neccesary, but it had only taken so long before he yearned for more exciting field work. Would he have still requested the assignment if he had known what it would bring him? If he had known he would have to deal with the stress of taking such a violent prisoner?

The human spoke for the first time since their journey had begun, "Tell me, xenos, why am I here? If I had taken you captive, I would have executed you the moment I had a chance."

"Perhaps this is the difference between you and I, our races even. You see only our impurity, and you know only hate. I'm going to give you an opportunity you've never had, whether or not you want it. You understand only your own ways and nothing else. You can not comprehend that even as aliens, we are good. We live our lives, we love our families and we treat each other "humanely", as you might say. But most of all, unlike your race, we are free of the rampant corruption in your worlds. You will see no mutation here, no dirty polititians, no crime. If it kills me, human, I'm going to make you open your eyes."

T'au looked much different now. The Aun'ui remembered it as being full of lush fields and pristine settlements, but he could see those were no longer the norm. An unending city greeted his view now, the capital expanding far beyond his visual reach. Massive structures pierced the sky, fog revealing the city like a secret. Massive skybuses and Orcas tread the sky, carrying nests of Tau to some unknown destination. It wasn't a stranger to him, but it no longer felt so familiar. Behind him, the Por, appearing from nowhere, let out a chuckle, almost as if he could read the Aun's worry. Yet it was his next words that startled him the most.

"Aun, for both your experiments sake and your own, let us hope that the world you remember and the world it has become still remain the same."

Yay!
Two things, one:
This is awkward. The "however" is superfluous, so far as I can tell. Given the impact that the statement is meant to have, appending "however" is not only grammatically incorrect, but also awkwardly uncertain.

Two:
"Aun, for both your experiments sake and your own, let us hope that the world you remember and the world it has become still remain the same."[/quote]
This is awesome, the suspense is great here, and the contrast between the Aun's idealistic assertions about the human/Tau divide and the Por's uncertain foresight is ominous.

Keep it up!

Thanks for the reply. I actually think the "however" was meant to lead into another statement, but I can't for the love of Tau remember what. For now I've just taken your advice and deleted it.

I'm glad you liked that line. It seems like every chapter someone finds at least one good "stand-out" line, so it's kind of been my goal to make sure somewhere in each chapter one single statement goes "WOW". If you will, I've kind of made it a point to summarize an entire chapters purpose and intent into that single line. Hopefully so far thats working well for both me and the few readers I have.

On another note, I'm glad your a fan didi. I find most of your work excellent if a bit intimidating(in its awesomeness) so to find that someone like you enjoys my work is a HUGE compliment.